Wednesday, January 14, 2009

One down, X? to go

I've labored about what my first line should be here, but I'm thinking this blog is for me anyway so why does it matter? Whatever I choose for the first line isn't going to make me appear any more clever to myself, so it's moot. Where to begin?
I'm starting this blog because everyone told me to journal last time Matt deployed and I didn't. Maybe it means I talk too much and they were sick of my whining and yapping constantly. I'm fairly certain that wasn't it, but my social phobias make me think perhaps I truly am a bit draining to be around and I used to like journaling anyway, so here we go.
Arden just woke up and yelled for me. I'm sad for her because I know she's having a rough go of it. She was visibly upset when she said goodbye to Matt the day he deployed, and now she seems to be having anger issues, sleep problems and has regressed a tad in the potty department. I know these things are temporary but it doesn't make them easier to deal with. I'm not sure how to help her sort things out when I'm still trying to sort my own things out.
I feel like I should be more upset and cry or something flagrantly emotional, but it's not happening. I feel a little numb and aimless. When I'm not numb and aimless, I'm irritated at some minor slight or something someone else couldn't possibly have understood when they said it. Not that they didn't mean it, but perhaps they misjudged their audience (me) when they said it. For instance:
Yesterday a MOPS gal I really look up to called to wish me a belated birthday and ask how my MOPS responsibilities were going. Not a big deal, except she mentioned that I should try and schedule some time with the other Mom at my table soon. I wanted to freak out. "Just what I need now," I'm thinking, "more time with people I'm supposed to be helping/guiding when I can't even help myself!". Really though, I'm being a whiner. No one NEEDS me to make their own life successful, but I was cranky because my husband hasn't even been gone one week and already people are asking me to give more of myself to something else. Three weeks, folks, and then I'll be good to go again. One down, two to go.
The other thing is people sound shocked when I tell them I don't know when Matt will be home, and no, I didn't hear from him today. I don't know when he's pulling into whichever port next, and couldn't tell you even if I did. And, actually, I didn't hear from him today, and I'm okay with that. I know what the computer situation on the boat is right now. I also know that he loves me and will send me an e-mail or call when he can. :sigh:
So if you call me in the next few weeks, I'll just be moping around. I may not answer the phone, but don't take it personally. I know you mean well and when I get over myself, I will respond. I actually enjoy being a hermit somewhat, so introspection and solitude help me grow. To some extent anyway. Sometimes it's good to have company so I don't burn out.
Back to being aimless...


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