Thursday, May 28, 2009

Writing and Other Forms of Torture

The truth is this: I don't actually like blogging. That explains why there are so few posts here, huh? The problem with blogging is that it's writing, and I'm afraid of writing. Small things I can do; editing newsletters, letters to Matt, witty quips posted as my status on facebook. But everytime I write something, I wondering if it's as good as I think it might be. I'm wondering, "Is there really any potential here or should I just stop?". Here's another truth, I really want to be a good writer, and that's why I'm scared of writing. Because if I find out I'm not any good, where will I be? A dream I've held since my childhood lies in shambles. So far I haven't really "tried" because I'm afraid of rejection. I know from researching getting published that it usually takes awhile before any publisher will put something into print, and I think if I actually spent the time and eneergy to write something, I'd be devistated with the first letter even knowing that bestsellers have been passed up before. Before I became self-concious about all of this stuff, I used to write like crazy. But I wrote for me, and didn't care that no one would ever read it. It would mostly have been embarassing anyway. And occassionally I still write for myself, like here, but I'm not content with only that. I guess even if I suck at it, I could always invest in writing and improve. I just really don't want to suck, and I want the fairytale where I'm just naturally good at something and everyone recognizes it. :sigh: Perhaps I should start with improving my grammar and spelling, eh?

Monday, May 4, 2009

Harder, Better, Faster Stronger

I'm a little disgruntled about running out of chocolate cereal.
I'm questioning the sanity of people who read my blog, a-hem. I get sick of being with me, so that "absense makes the heart grow fonder" stuff must be true. Like today, I got sick of being with me at Jo-Ann's. I was on the card aisle buying a birthday card. I hate schmaltz, so I don't even go near the sappy ones. I found one with something written on it in french, and started to cry. Why? I don't know. But it was irritating, and it would have been nice to be someone a little more normal at that point. I won't even get into why I was making air raid noises at the computer this morning...
Sometimes I don't like things that happen, and I've decided I need to get over that, LOL. But really, I'm trying to focus on being positive which is hard because sometimes I think I've earned the right to be critical or pessimistic. And sometimes I just like it, really. But get this, " shall be done for you as you have believed..." Matthew 8:13. So if I'm critical about everything, or view it through a lens of pessimism, I'm never going to be happy. And that's not very appealing, even if it means I have to throw myself under the bus hoping. It's hard to want to hope sometimes because I know it means I'm leaving myself open to hurt, and why do that if you don't have to? I'm afraid. But Revealations 21:8 tells us "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death." Ouch- so being fearful can separate me from God. I also know Romans 5:5 "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." So I know the real problem here is sin and my mindset, not some crazy life situation. And I'm working on that, with the Holy Spirit.
Alright, time for another air raid...