Thursday, January 29, 2009

Finger Cut!

I cut my thumb today while being dumb with a knife. I didn't feel like eating lunch (common when Matt's gone, mostly laziness) so I decided to eat salami and cheese by the computer so I could wait for Matt's e-mail. (Which has yet to come, BTW.) But the salami wasn't sliced, so I brought a knife with me. You can see where this is going already, huh? It's still bleeding off and on. Overall, not a good day.
I was looking at my cut in the tub- before it started bleeding again- and thought I sort of felt the way it looked, if that makes sense. On the ouside, the cut didn't look so bad. It was a very clean slice. but the inside was filled with blood and all messed up, waiting to gush out at the slighest provocation. I knew it would get harder for me after the first couple of weeks, but that doesn't mean I like or or even really know what to do with myself except let it ride.
Arden is still acting out a lot and screaming at me. Dana comes over Tuesday morning and I'm hoping she'll have some pearls of wisdom. Until then, let's not provoke the cut...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Back to the Flight Suit!

I'm still trying to remove the remnants of my blue eye shadow, but I had a fun time at the latest MAG-39 fete, "Back to the Flight Suit"! People were definitely checking me out, so tacky must look good on me. Matt has our digital camera, so maybe I'll post pics when some of the other girls e-mail me photos they took.
Being in 267 is strange sometimes. Agnes and I were the only two Stingerettes there with deployed husbands, but there were single Pilots there as well. And then all the married non-deployed folk, which is most people. I watched Matt's boss and his wife dancing and it was sweet, not because they're old (they're not) but because of the tenderness that was evident between them. It's not like they were sappy or anything, we were all dancing to Michael Jackson and Madonna. You could just tell that they still cared about each other in a soft sort of way, if that makes any sense. So I sang my heart out when the band dedicated "With or Without You" to all of the Marines there. I didn't cry or anything sappy, I'm not feeling that way. Just accepting my feelings as normal reactions to abnormal circumstances.
But I did have a blast "dancing the night away" in my cut off flight suit with turquoise leggings and metallic pink leg warmers. I wore a banana clip. :-)

Monday, January 19, 2009

As if things aren't already challenging enough, Arden is dealing with anger issues right now. Since Matt left she's been virtually out of control a few times, but they were all when we were at home. That is until today. She had some ugly tantrums at Mommy and Me Preschool, but I was able to squelch those pretty quickly (with Miss Tassy, of course!). B&N was different, and the end result was she didn't get a book and I got some dirty looks. I put in a call to Dana, my therapist, to try and schedule a house call for a little guidance here. I feel like maybe I'm doing alright, but Arden, well, I can't tell. She could just be being a headstrong three year old, or she could be trying to deal with a greater problem (like Matt being gone, or even something else?). So that's why I called in the "Big Guns"! Sigh.
Matt's been able to call a few times, since he's in Waikiki. That's definitely been encouraging for me! They'll pull out of Port in a couple of days and then I won't hear so much for a bit- a long bit- but at least I know where they're going. So much sadness in our world. I pray daily for a better place for Arden and Ethan when they grow up.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

One down, X? to go

I've labored about what my first line should be here, but I'm thinking this blog is for me anyway so why does it matter? Whatever I choose for the first line isn't going to make me appear any more clever to myself, so it's moot. Where to begin?
I'm starting this blog because everyone told me to journal last time Matt deployed and I didn't. Maybe it means I talk too much and they were sick of my whining and yapping constantly. I'm fairly certain that wasn't it, but my social phobias make me think perhaps I truly am a bit draining to be around and I used to like journaling anyway, so here we go.
Arden just woke up and yelled for me. I'm sad for her because I know she's having a rough go of it. She was visibly upset when she said goodbye to Matt the day he deployed, and now she seems to be having anger issues, sleep problems and has regressed a tad in the potty department. I know these things are temporary but it doesn't make them easier to deal with. I'm not sure how to help her sort things out when I'm still trying to sort my own things out.
I feel like I should be more upset and cry or something flagrantly emotional, but it's not happening. I feel a little numb and aimless. When I'm not numb and aimless, I'm irritated at some minor slight or something someone else couldn't possibly have understood when they said it. Not that they didn't mean it, but perhaps they misjudged their audience (me) when they said it. For instance:
Yesterday a MOPS gal I really look up to called to wish me a belated birthday and ask how my MOPS responsibilities were going. Not a big deal, except she mentioned that I should try and schedule some time with the other Mom at my table soon. I wanted to freak out. "Just what I need now," I'm thinking, "more time with people I'm supposed to be helping/guiding when I can't even help myself!". Really though, I'm being a whiner. No one NEEDS me to make their own life successful, but I was cranky because my husband hasn't even been gone one week and already people are asking me to give more of myself to something else. Three weeks, folks, and then I'll be good to go again. One down, two to go.
The other thing is people sound shocked when I tell them I don't know when Matt will be home, and no, I didn't hear from him today. I don't know when he's pulling into whichever port next, and couldn't tell you even if I did. And, actually, I didn't hear from him today, and I'm okay with that. I know what the computer situation on the boat is right now. I also know that he loves me and will send me an e-mail or call when he can. :sigh:
So if you call me in the next few weeks, I'll just be moping around. I may not answer the phone, but don't take it personally. I know you mean well and when I get over myself, I will respond. I actually enjoy being a hermit somewhat, so introspection and solitude help me grow. To some extent anyway. Sometimes it's good to have company so I don't burn out.
Back to being aimless...