Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fraidy Cat

It's hard to explain to someone else what it's like to be a Marine wife, to be me. Some of my friends have said things like, "I don't know how you do it." To be honest, I don't do it well. There's the nice things that other people see; the Mom of two moving into a new place while her hubby is deployed, the "Welcome Home" banners hanging outside and, occasionally the tears of loneliness and frustration. I don't have the words to accurately articulate most of what I do or feel.
Right now all I can describe is the anxiety, but that's not really the feeling. Anxiety is just one of the symptoms. Maybe even a little dread thrown in. Do I want my husband home? OF COURSE. But I'm really not looking forward to all of the transitions involved when he does get here. I've been doing this, whatever "this" is, without him for the last seven plus months. What if he doesn't like it or wants to change things? Or, what if he doesn't appreciate how hard I've worked in his absence? I did work hard, and I'm proud of it. I want him to be proud of me and my accomplishments the same way I'm proud of Matt and his accomplishments.
I don't want the fighting that comes with reintegrating a piece of you that was ripped off and gone for a while. I wish they had anti-rejection meds for returning Marines and their families the same way they do for patients who receive a transplant. What if I regress in every way that I've grown? What if I go back to the critical mind and negativity? I don't want to, but I'm still close to it because I haven't been without it for that long. I feel completely different about the reunion this deployment than I did last time around. My guess, I'll probably feel different the third time it comes around as well.
For now, I've just got to let it ride. Despite my own insecurities and feelings of isolation, I know that what I'm going through is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation unique to the military and is experienced by military spouses left behind everywhere. I even feel a little resentful at times knowing that I'll have to give things up and change. AGAIN. Totally worth it in the end, but still not something I look forward to.
I gave it some good thinking the other day. I thought about marrying Matt and what my expectations were then. I thought about other guys I'd dated, and different paths my life could have taken if Uncle Sam wasn't so prominent in my life. I'd never give up my relationship with Matt, even if he was gone, gulp, seven months of EVERY year. It's just the price I pay to be married to a man of greatness. You'd do what I do too, feel what I feel now, if your husband was in the Military.
Restless. That's the main thing. I'm looking forward to when it's over and we can just be us again. I'm confident that whatever changes are coming, God will guide us through them and my feelings of disorganization and hesitancy to relinquish my routines will evaporate. It's extraordinarily hard for me to feel calm without having a plan for this reunion, but having a plan requires expectations, and those are generally bad. Because it's not my hopes that get dashed, it's my expectations. We must always have hope. Always.
Did I mention that I never edit my blog postings? Might explain why they're as chaotic as my current emotional state.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The One Where I Stop Looking and Start Leaping

My dear friend Ashton wrote a smallish bio write -up next to my Senior picture in my last yearbook. Some of what he wrote came straight from the fact sheet each senior had had to fill out, but Ashton knew me well enough to write things that weren't what I thought about myself as well. So here's my write up:
"The spiritually gifted woman, Mara England, has given much of her time to serve the Lord. She has gone on many Missions trips and hosts Bible studies in her home once a week. Not only has she been involved in Church activities but also school activities such as mock trial, drama, yarbook and volleyball stat girl. When not serving others, Mara can be found hanging, cooking or reading books, particularly children's books. Mara plans to attend UCR in the fall and become a children's book author. [insert trite quote from me] And who better than someone with a passion for literature as well as the future authors of America than the ever bookish Mara-darling."
I don't know what I want to write anymore. The thought of failure overwhelms me and keeps me from even writing entries in this blog. And hardly anyone has the URL or even knows of its existence! I did that on purpose.
So now here's the thing, I really want to be a writer. I want to have things published and do good. I sincerely doubt I'll be writing a NYT bestseller, but I'm going to give whatever's in me a shot to come out and be developed, knowing that I'll skin my knees repeatedly along the way. I'm taking an online class for writers and as I have assignments completed, I'll be posting. BTW, in case I write something good, do us both a favor and don't plagerize. LOL, in my dreams, I know.