Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fraidy Cat

It's hard to explain to someone else what it's like to be a Marine wife, to be me. Some of my friends have said things like, "I don't know how you do it." To be honest, I don't do it well. There's the nice things that other people see; the Mom of two moving into a new place while her hubby is deployed, the "Welcome Home" banners hanging outside and, occasionally the tears of loneliness and frustration. I don't have the words to accurately articulate most of what I do or feel.
Right now all I can describe is the anxiety, but that's not really the feeling. Anxiety is just one of the symptoms. Maybe even a little dread thrown in. Do I want my husband home? OF COURSE. But I'm really not looking forward to all of the transitions involved when he does get here. I've been doing this, whatever "this" is, without him for the last seven plus months. What if he doesn't like it or wants to change things? Or, what if he doesn't appreciate how hard I've worked in his absence? I did work hard, and I'm proud of it. I want him to be proud of me and my accomplishments the same way I'm proud of Matt and his accomplishments.
I don't want the fighting that comes with reintegrating a piece of you that was ripped off and gone for a while. I wish they had anti-rejection meds for returning Marines and their families the same way they do for patients who receive a transplant. What if I regress in every way that I've grown? What if I go back to the critical mind and negativity? I don't want to, but I'm still close to it because I haven't been without it for that long. I feel completely different about the reunion this deployment than I did last time around. My guess, I'll probably feel different the third time it comes around as well.
For now, I've just got to let it ride. Despite my own insecurities and feelings of isolation, I know that what I'm going through is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation unique to the military and is experienced by military spouses left behind everywhere. I even feel a little resentful at times knowing that I'll have to give things up and change. AGAIN. Totally worth it in the end, but still not something I look forward to.
I gave it some good thinking the other day. I thought about marrying Matt and what my expectations were then. I thought about other guys I'd dated, and different paths my life could have taken if Uncle Sam wasn't so prominent in my life. I'd never give up my relationship with Matt, even if he was gone, gulp, seven months of EVERY year. It's just the price I pay to be married to a man of greatness. You'd do what I do too, feel what I feel now, if your husband was in the Military.
Restless. That's the main thing. I'm looking forward to when it's over and we can just be us again. I'm confident that whatever changes are coming, God will guide us through them and my feelings of disorganization and hesitancy to relinquish my routines will evaporate. It's extraordinarily hard for me to feel calm without having a plan for this reunion, but having a plan requires expectations, and those are generally bad. Because it's not my hopes that get dashed, it's my expectations. We must always have hope. Always.
Did I mention that I never edit my blog postings? Might explain why they're as chaotic as my current emotional state.


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